I guess Id like to continue to move in a positive direction and writing has always had a positive affect on me.
My life hasnt been completely easy, and while understanding some aspects of myself came very naturally, others Ive had to fight for or create in violent, primal ways. I have a lot of unresolved emotions, some are recent and some are so old, Ive just learned to live with those scars.
I guess this post is about my past, and how I got here. Who I am and why I am this way.
I grew up in a small beach community, much before it got too touristy with high end hotels along the water. In a rather larger bottom level apartment, only foot steps from the ocean. I fell alseep listening to waves crashing and fog horns from the harbor. Most of my very young childhood was very well. I went to a private catholic school from kindergarten until 6th grade. I had a good relationship with my older, by 12 years, sister and my little brother. While we didnt grow up rich, I cant remember really being poor. Layaway was a thing, and I remember buying nice outfits for school things and returning them the next day, with my mother screaming at me to not rip off those tags. But Christmas was always good and we never went hungry.
My father wasnt around too terribly much. He was a landscaper for all the nice big houses along the beach and I remember going to nurseries to pick up palm trees and flowers. Later on he became a machinist and thats been his life. My parents are from Ohio and grew up in the 70s. I grew up listening to Black Sabbath, ACDC, Metallica and everything that falls into that sound. I remember parties with the local beach riff raff, and a lot of watching TV in my parents room. I had (and still have) a very strong relationship with my mom. Growing up, she was more of a friend then a parent, and it helped and hurt in a lot of ways.
The catholic school I went to was surprisingly liberal, I learned a lot about science (one of my favorite subjects) and the world around me. Im no longer catholic, and I cannot say that I absolutely believed in it while I was there. I had a lot of unanswered questions and we never really talked about religion at home. My mom told me later on that she just wanted us to have a better education and didnt really care about the religious aspects of it. I sang in the church choir, I was a alter girl and even a girlscout.
From what I remember, I was a happy go lucky little blonde girl.
6th grade is the year that everything changed. And by changed, I mean destroyed parts and pieces of me I'll never get back. And spent many years figuring out that they were gone. Ive made peace with the things that happened, it took me a very long time. I dont mind talking about, its a nice reminder of how strong I am and how if I survived this, I can survive anything.
I didnt much understand of what was happening when I was that age, but I know now, so Im going to include that knowledge. My father had begun doing meth and with no surprise developed a problem. Apparently, my parents were very much into drugs, but it really didnt affect me as a child. It was very well hidden, well until this, but at that age I had no idea what drugs actually did. He would call my mom from work, threatening that when he got home he was going to kill her. They were constantly fighting, and not just little tiffs here and there. Loud screaming matches that would last for hours, days even. He'd leave and come back and finish the fight. The weekends were the worst and Id dread Fridays. This was going on for about 4 months before it finally came to ahead.
During this time, all the stress lead to the development of graves disease in my mother. She also has an over active thyroid and it was very much like my mother was on speed. She behaved irrationally and quickly, without much thought. We didnt discover this until much later, after the events that are about to take place. No one believed my mother when she said she was actually sober.
Christmas day of 1998 my father finally beat my mother so badly, he broke a few of her ribs. I remember being in living room and my father coming up to me crying, he said "Im so sorry, Sandra. I have to go." And he left. The moment he was gone, my mother told us to start packing because we were leaving. We stayed with a family friend for a few days (but they were just as crazy and had their own shit to deal with) So, my irrational mother decided the best thing was to go stay with one of her sisters, in Ohio. In the middle of night me, my brother and my mother got onto a grey hound bus and took off for Ohio. It took about 4 days, with many many suitcases and stops. I saw snow for the 1st time, I remember a little bit of mountains and nothing much else. Apparently, my mother didnt even tell her sister that we were coming. We just showed up. Surprise. Here's the shit show.
My mothers sister, Linda, lived with her Husband, Bob, and their two children. Brandon was 6 (or something) and they had a new born, of which I dont remember the name of. And they, like everyone else on this earth, had problems of their own.
A lot happened in Ohio, so Im going to try to remember it and not jumble it up. They lived on the very top floor of a 6 story apartment building, in the corner apartment. It was a small 2 bedroom 1 1/2 bath. It all started well enough, my mom didnt think we were gonna stay long, so she didnt enroll us in school. There were very thick woods right behind the building, literally right behind. I chased many little families of deer in the snow, and got lost too many times to count. As the weeks went on, my mother wasnt very present. She'd leave us alone with them a lot. I left my brother alone there, while I went off on my own adventures. Now, as an adult, I feel so guilty for it. I hope he was safe during all of this, because I was very much not.
I made friends with a boy who lived in the other apartment building across the way. His name was Matt, and his mother was the High Priestess of a coven of witches. She probably felt sorry for me and took most care of me while my mother was off doing whatever. She would take me gatherings and circles, and for once, while I was there, I didnt feel so alone. Or scared. Or sad. I dont know if it was those feelings alone that made me lose all my faith in catholicism or if it was something truly magical, but Ive havent gone back to jesus since then.
Unfortunately, Matt passed away while I was there. His mother still allowed me to come over, and she had an older son that I would still visit with. I didnt really.. react too much too it. I was a numb 11 year old and nothing phased me very much.
Bob and Linda's marriage was not the best. He was an abusive alcoholic and she was a passive aggressive bitch, for lack of a better term. They werent feeding us and were pissed that my mother dumped us there, while she ran off. Weeks turned into months, and Bob only grew more violent. I dont know when it started, or how, or what happened. Honestly, I dont remember much of it. I dont know how many times, or for how long. My uncle raped me. Sometimes violently. It was something that I kept a secret for a very long time afterwards. He was in and out of jail for his drinking, Linda would call the cops, only to have him be back the next day. He was on a strict no alcohol in the house ruling and I remember him hiding beer around the apartment. While he was in jail, Linda would leave and be gone all night. And I was stuck with a crying baby all evening and a 6 year and my brother, who was 9 at time. We lived off scrambled eggs because thats all I knew how to cook.
I would hide in the woods a lot. I would recite the rituals I remembered in my head, over and over. I felt safest in the middle of winter, in the snow, alone in the woods then I did in that apartment.
My mom tried, she did. But she had her own demons to work out.
We were there for 5 months and it felt like a lifetime. Ive left a lot out, there were some interesting things, random memories. But theyre just minor details to the bigger picture.
My father promised to never do meth again and Im sure a mountain of one million other things. We had no place to live, since my father went crazy and stopped paying rent and was staying a friend. When we got back, we were at another school friends house, until they got sick of us and we stayed in a hotel for awhile until finding another place. We werent right on the beach, but it was a about a 10 minute walk, and I could still hear the waves.
I finished up my last bit in catholic school until the end of the school year. Moving to a public school wasnt too much of a shock, I was still very numb from it all. I was angry and mad and sad and I really didnt understand why. I dont know if this is where my depression comes from, or if I born with chemical imbalances or maybe the government was fucking with the tap water I grew up drinking. But I was a mixed bag of constant emotions. I took it out on my mother a lot. I blamed her for all of it. For taking us there in the 1st place. For ruining everything. School was a nice escape from it all and I looked forward to loosing myself in it. Its the only way my grades didnt suffer.
High school is a blur. I got into drugs. A lot of drugs. Scary drugs. Angry music. My parents thought I was cool, we listened to the same music, I talked to their friends, hung out druning BBQs. They were much more my friends rather then parents. And I needed parents more than anything during this time. My last year of high school I developed really bad anxiety. Getting up and just going to school was the scariest thing. I ended up dropping out because of it, but I went directly to a charter school program and graduated that same year. I still have really bad anxiety to this day. Sometimes going to the store is the hardest thing in world, and good luck trying to talk to me over the phone.
Id probably be dead without my best friend. I met her in 8th grade and she was just as angry as me. She was my life line and I could tell her anything. Nights on the phone crying until 5am because I was just so sad for apparently no reason.
I finally told my mom about it when I was 18. I was in therapy for my depression and on Zoloft. I never told my therapist about it, not one mention of Ohio, but it gave me to courage to talk to my mom about it.
Its taken me a long time to be at peace with it all. Im not mad or sad about it anymore and Ive very much moved on from it. Without that, Id be a very different person. Learning to deal with that anger has helped me deal with other situations in my life. And Im drawing on that strength to help lead me now.
I woke up one morning and decided I wasnt happy. We'll, I didnt just decide in that moment. I was unhappy with everything for a long time. I just didnt know what to do about it. I felt trapped in a relationship with someone I loved very much, but he no longer loved me back. I was trapped at a job I wanted to leave, but didnt know how. I like what I did, no, I LOVED what I did. I like serving people Im very much a true virgo. Pleasing people makes me happy beyond anything. But a lot of things about the store and the policies I really began to disagree with. I knew moving up would be impossible and I wasnt supported there. It was time to go.
Im not over what happened between me and Mike. It sounds so stupid, but its not. I wanted to marry him and the things he did to me really took a toll on my self confidence and the way I viewed the world. My depression was the worst it had been in long time the last 2 years we were together. Its hard moving past it. Its hard realizing that all my life goals I had with this person are just gone. Marriage and children with names and places we were gonna live and what we wanted are just gone. And the worst is that I cant help but keep caring about him.
Im an incredibly introverted person. Im often perceived as being mean, or bitchy. I get told I have bitch face a lot. Im just very much always inside myself. I like to experience things, take in moments. I dont usually have a lot to say, I often find perfect moments are ruined by too many words. Unless you get me on the right topic and then I wont shut up. Or Ive finally gotten to know you enough to where Im comfortable with you and then Im just this ball of energy.
For the 1st time in a rather long time, Im happy. Really happy. My mental and physical health are in really amazing places right now. My confidence is higher is than ever. Im trying really hard to fix or atleast understand the last few years of my life. I got really lost inside myself and change is very hard for me. Ive never been so surrounded by so much love and positive people before, its so inspiring. I want to celebrate myself. Not only good, but all of me. I can, without a doubt in my mind, say that I love myself. Flaws included.
