Ive been wanting to write more, but Ive just been too busy. Which isnt entirely a terrible thing. Plus, I wanted to write a post about my ideals on sex & sexuality identity but thats such a complex topic and getting the correct over all feel of that post has been challenging. Instead, I guess I'll go into all the positives Ive been doing in my life. Everyone has been so kind lately and so beyond supportive.
Finally breaking away from Mike was so difficult when it happened. Mostly, the mental changes I had to make. Emotionally, I had let him go many years before I actually moved out. We both kinda had feelings of it being over, but we were so co-dependant on each other, finding the motivation to leave was hard. When I left, we were on amazing terms. I saw more effort then I had in years and was very comforted in the fact that despite all our issues in the relationship, he'd remain my best friend. (Thats no longer the case, obviously)
A lot of things were happening around this time in other areas of my life. I had a really hard time connecting with my Rocky Horror cast at the time. (Which is another post all in itself) My job was such a cluster fuck. It was hard as a manager to motivate my team to do any actual work. When I felt like I actually did really a good job, Id walk into the next day with nitpicky notes about what I had missed. I actually got very limited positive feed back, so it was a challenge to motivate myself to go above and beyond, let alone my 18 year old co-workers who didnt actually care. I was frustrated, over worked and I always put my job before any other aspect of my life. I was either supporting Mike, or even Miranda at times, that I HAD to work hard. HAD to get that over time, HAD to pick up shifts. Plus, I felt like moving up was impossible. Any time I wanted to do the coffee master program, I was over looked. I had to be an authority figure without any actual power. Well, through a rather odd series of rather off and somewhat unfortunate events, I left my job. Even though I was faced with so much uncertainty over about the future, I was so relieved to be out of there. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my life and I could finally rest. Leaving my job was the best thing I could of done for myself.
Ive taken the last 7 months as a personal vacation. Ive done a lot of mental, emotional, and even physical self care. Its hard to say exactly what Ive been doing, its more of a state of being or thinking. Im not going to lie, being unemployed and having to be supported has been one of the most difficult things Ive ever had to do. I dont do well without a mental plan in my head and Im constantly thinking ahead about, well, anything and everything. Its so scary to me to not being the one in charge, but I have learned so much about myself through all of this. Good, positive, amazing things.
It hasnt been easy. My depression has flared up much more often since I have so much more down time. If I allow myself enough time to get bored or am exhausted in any mental or emotional way, Im depressed. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere, for no reason. Suddenly, Im just sad. Sometimes its a little sad and sometimes its devastating. And I never know which ones its going to be. I also have major anxiety issues. If Im alone and dont have a solid plan for my day, BOOM. Anxiety. Everything is hard and everything is scary. Going into a store, terrifying. Answering my phone? Ha. Texting my friends back? Not a chance. And I cant help but feel like an asshole because when Im depressed and anxious I'll blow off everyone, regardless of how close we are. Or I get this stupid silly notion in my head that no one actually likes me, and good luck telling my otherwise. I hate it so much. I know I have so many loving, amazing people in my life and it can be so scary to ask for help. And theres really nothing anyone can do except offer me some tea and a blanket and let me ride it out. Or somehow get me out of the house and I will panic until Im physically with you.
Ive done a lot of things to try and get a hold of my depression lately. Ive been taking vitamins and trying to improve my diet. (Ive been failing so hard lately.) A healthy body leads to a healthy mind and its been working. Along with all that, Ive just tried to adopt positive thinking. And holy shit has it been working. I could use social media as an outlet for my negativity, but I just dont see the point anymore. Im trying to do this thing were Im actively involved in my life. Taking more action as opposed to letting things just happen and stopping things I dont like.
Ive been focused on the things about me I love and are confident in. Ive either tried to rid myself of the negative aspects about me, or change them into positives. Im more self loving and self aware than Ive been in my entire life. Id love to have my charkas worked on in the near future to keep all this energy flowing.
My body image and self esteem has changed since Ive been working on myself. Mike ruined aspects of myself esteem and focusing the positive inward has had a wonderful effect on the outside. I love myself, body included. Its not perfect, theres parts of my body I do dislike. All the extra weight that wont go away no matter how hard I try is frustrating as all hell. But, at the end of the day I can still look int the mirror and feel beautiful. Ive been going more places without makeup. Its fucking weird and Im not at all sure how I feel about it yet, but its been interesting. I enjoy making myself up, but thats a whole different topic and a later blog post.
I have a firm belief that no matter what you do in your life, the universe has a way of pushing you in the direction your meant to be. And when you dont follow those clues, the universe is gonna destroy everything so that you have no baggage leftover and can put you on that path your supposed to be on. I hope I can continue to grow as a human in a positive direction. Sometimes you have to lose almost everything to see the bigger picture and did I ever need it. Im the happiest Ive been in... probably forever. I have so many people that mean the world the to me right now. My heart and soul feel so full.
I still get depressed. I still cant make phone calls a lot of the time. But its part of the human condition. Im going to look at my body and dislike what I see. Im going to get upset because I have the most wonderful girlfriend taking care of me and I feel like its so unfair to her. Im going to panic because Im not in control. But Im going to learn from it and be a better person in the long run.
Im a little upset it took me this long to figure this all out. Sometimes I feel like I wasted my early 20s.
Also, side note on self discoveries, Ive figured out why Im okay with not having children. Or even wanting them. Cervical issues run in my family. My mother had cervical cancer and had hers removed just within the last 10 years. Since I was 19, Ive been told that I have the cancerous cells in my cervix that are fine now, but could possibly (and probably) turn cancerous later on in life. I was told that by 25, I might not be able to have children. So I just made peace with that on my own. I was single and no serious relationship in sight at the time. Ive never wanted to have children young anyway. Im not one for traditional anything when it comes to life or love and have been that way from very early on. Plus, the one time I was pregnant, I miscarried. (I wasnt going to keep it regardless.) So I gave up on the idea of kids and a family in my early 20s. I dont need a family to validate my life. Plus, the relationship I was in wasnt going in that direction anyway.
