Mike.
So here it is. The post. One of the many reasons I wanted to start blogging. Its been a long road, trying to find my own closure. I'll never get the answers or apologies I so desperately want. Through out the whole relationship I felt oddly alienated from people. I had his group of friends that I didnt want to bring up relationship problems too, cause theyre HIS friends and felt that it would be too awkward for all parties involved. (I know so much better now, they are MY friends too.) And then I had my set of friends, but he wasnt around them too much, or at all. They didnt know him at all, so it felt awkward to bring him up to them. Anytime I needed any sort of comfort Id make some vague post about it on tumblr and try and move on.
I guess Im having such a difficult time with finding peace because he was my friend. Not only my friend, my best friend. Of 6 years. I guess Im just lost and hurt over how easily he was able to just blow me off. But looking back, this isnt much unlike him. His behavior is spot on. Even now Im trying to make up excuses for him, I still care. Its stupid and weak of me, but I cant help it. I was very much in love with him up until the end. I was just waiting for that light bulb to go off in his head, for him to fight for me. Show any sort of desire to keep in a romantic way. I needed that fight. I never got it. If he had just said, "No San. I want you all to myself and Im willing to do whatever it takes to keep you and make you happy with me." I would of stayed. Sometimes I wanted to hear it so badly. It never came.
Im having a hard time writing this. Parts of me still hurt. Other parts of me are over thinking about it, about him, about what happened. I hope that when Im finished itll feel like a weight is gone. Im sure it will, but honestly not looking forward to the rest of this post.
Im not putting this out into the universe to change anyones mind, or to make anyone come to my side or to start a war. No. I just want peace. Id still be friends with him if he hadnt blown me off with no confrontation or conversation.
So here are my feelings, my thoughts, my side to it all. According to a lot of our friends, theres been a shit storm of shit talking aimed at me from him. Guess Im just being a tad bit more mature when it comes to the situation.
I dont really know where to begin. I dont want to start at the beginning because it was a happy, very romantic relationship from the start. Guess I'll start when things slowly began to fall apart.
I got my job at Starbucks basically the same time we started dating. Now, when I met him, I wasnt skinny by any means. I was between 135 and 140 depending on the day. My frame just looks better with a bit more weight on it. I was super happy with myself. I gained close to 20 pounds my 1st year at the bux. While I knew I had put on weight, I wasnt too super worried about it. I still felt like I looked good. According to Mike, however, it was a different story. The sex had just stopped. No rhyme or reason. He'd tell me he just wasnt in the mood. He fought a lot more. Almost out of nowhere. I really had no idea where the change in his attitude had come from. He really never brought my weight up, unless I did. I wanted to lose the weight, but it wasnt a top priority. I wasnt working full time at this point and had little time for much else other than work, him and Rocky Horror. He has lost his job at this time and I was increasingly more frustrated with the fact that he really wasnt looking for much of another one. Im sure that had to do with a lot of his attitude changes, but he was never honest with me about his feelings. He'd never talk to me about his feelings. I cant really recall a time where he opened up to me.
Fighting with him was the absolute worst. He would just sit there. Stone silent. Never saying a word. Until I was done. He'd say things like "are you finished?" "I dont know what you want me to say." "What do you want to hear?" He never once had an opinion on anything we really fought on. Not one caring word. Not a moment of comfort. Not a single act of concern. I remember we got into a fight once and he got up and left. This was before we lived together. He got up and left me crying in his room at his moms. He left me and drove to Queenie's. I didnt know if he was coming back. So I left. And of course, I was the 1st one to text back. The only one to apologize. Regardless of what the fight was about on my end, I upset him. So I had to give in first.
I vaguely remember him wanting to break up with me at one point, but I dont remember really when it was. It lasted all of 13 hours. I dont remember why, just that he wanted a break. I stayed with my friend all evening. And woke up to him deciding he couldnt do it, that he needed me.
The years before I had moved in with him a kind of a blur. I remember good things, I remember bad times. I dont even really remember the end of the year before moving in with him. I really dont remember Christmas. I know he moved into the Wild House before me because I couldnt transfer to another bux. I had to wait until March.
I do remember the few months before me moving in with him, though. He started hanging out with an old friend, named Bri. (Not the current one) I had remember seeing her a lot on Myspace, back in the day. I wasnt worried, at all. He had given me no reason to be worried about him with other women thus far. But then something changed. He started to get sneaky about things. I remember he blew me off one night. I was at a photoshoot during the day and we had made plans later that evening. He said he was too tired to hang out. He's NEVER once told me that he didnt want to see me before, even if he was too tired. We'd just fall asleep together. So of course Id be a little on edge about that. He used to leave his facebook open all the time, even the little chat windows he'd have open. So, one day curiosity got the better of me. He left it all open anyway, so why not just check to make sure? If he had something to hide, he'd close it all right? He had blown me off to hang out with her, of course. And there was a lot of flirting going on, not just normal chit chat. I decided to keep an eye on it. Without fail, facebook and chats always left open and over all there was nothing to terrible. I knew when they were hanging out, for the most part. (I learned more later on from roommates) One night in February, literally one week before I moved in with him for good, I had Rocky Horror on a Saturday night. He was going to a hotel birthday party for one of Bri's friends. I called him after the show, wanting to pick him up. I was worried and just wanted to put a stop to all of this. He sounded very sober on the phone, told me everything was fine and and he was going to bed soon. So I went home alone and continued to move forward with moving in with him.
Within the 1st week of moving in with him things just came tumbling down. I was adjusting to working at a brand new sbux, which was a drive thru only store. (Id never worked drive thru before and changing the way I did customer service was difficult. Not to mention, it wasnt it in the most amazing area. The store was robbed like a week before I transfered. Awesome.) Mike had no job when I moved in. And even though I was full time, I just didnt make enough to support both of us. I was in the most terrifying car accident of my life. It was a 7 car pile up, with me towards the back and worst of it. I was smooched between two cars, my car was undrivable and the car behind me had caught fire. I had all of of shoes still in my trunk from moving. Melted high heels everywhere. I called Mike to let him know I wasnt dead, but he was leaving for a party in Vegas that evening and wasnt interested in staying around to make sure I was okay. It was one of his friends stalling until I was home (which took over 2 hours!) for him to see me. He still left, of course. I still have back problems to this day. The accident was Friday night (I went to Rocky because I literally had no where to go and I didnt want to be alone) I spent most of Saturday in the ER and then went back to work on Sunday. I had too, I couldnt afford to not work. Sunday was St Pattys day and since I was new at the store, I got the shitty deal. I had to close and then work very early the next day. I think I had 7 hours between my shifts. I came home and Mike was home from Vegas. He was downstairs and I had just gotten off work. His facebook and chat with Bri was open, like normal and she was messaging him. So I scrolled up a tad, and there it was. A message from Bri saying "When are you going to admit that we fucked." Everything stopped. Even though we went through rocky patches in the relationship, at this point I was very very much in love with him, despite everything.
It wasnt the sex that bothered me. I know I have very different views on sex, and me and Mike had been having 3somes with other women for awhile. What hurt the most, and still hurts, is the lieing. The absolute betrayal of trust. Looking at me and telling me he loved me when he was off having basically another relationship with her. Its the emotional and mental stuff that kills me more than the sex.
I didnt tell anyone. How could I? I just moved in with him, I couldnt move back home. I couldnt move back to my old sbux. I had no car and had to use his. I needed him more than ever and he just destroyed me. If I could, I would of left him. I dont know if I would of gone back. Honestly, I cant imagine him putting in the effort to win me back because he couldnt put in the effort to keep me.
He cried when I confronted him. He said he thought me moving in would fix everything. It didnt. I never got a genuine, sincere apology. He tried for a little bit, he really did. The sex got better for awhile. But we never really talked about it. I really really effected me and every time I brought it up, I was told that I needed to stop because I was making him feel like an asshole. Good. Maybe you NEED to feel like that. Im getting mad just writing this all out, and its taken me 2 hours to get to this point. This is hard.
All trust was gone at this point. He finally had a job again doing security for a bar. He was gone most evenings when I got off work and Id be falling alseep when he was getting home. That was hard. I was very depressed in those hours. Anything and anywhere he posted online, Id lurk through. I needed to know if there were any more lies out there. Lord knows he didnt do a good job at reassuring me that he was going to try. We just didnt talk about it. I found some horrible things he posted to reddit about me weight. Things like "I cant even go down on my girlfriend without one of her fat rolls suffocating me." "My girlfriend is always complaining about her weight, she claims to have thyroid problems, but really shes just fat and lazy and wont put down the starbucks." There was more, but those were the gems I still remember. Of course it was my fault that I was lurking. How dare I! We never really talked about how it made me feel beyond the obvious fact. It cut me so deep and kill a lot of my self esteem. So, I know Im remotely good looking. I know Im chubby and squishy in places. I have self confidence and even then, I had a lot of good thoughts about myself. But what I didnt have is confidence when it came to him. It beat me down so badly that I just became passive about everything about him. Especially the sex. He claimed that hed have more sex with him if I came onto him more. How could I? I was your fat fuck of a girlfriend and you wanted me to actively come onto you? He made me feel so terrible about myself, I couldnt bring myself too. I just didnt know how too anymore. He did everything youre supposed to do in a relationship. Tell you significant other that theyre beautiful, treat them like you like them, the usual. But I didnt need the usual. I need earth shattering moments to prove to me that he thought I was still beautiful and not fucking disgusting. I needed him to move heaven and earth to prove that he still loved me. All those little moments lost their special aspects when he did all those same things, looking me in the eye, while he was off lieing to me about Bri. I needed something to make me feel, and he wasnt giving it to me.
As the years went on, so did his lack of effort. We didnt talk about me or how I was feeling. If I brought up any sort of ill feelings that he caused it was the same ole fight. Mostly silence until I was done and then Id be ignored until I left or fell asleep or was distracted by something else. My fears, my doubt in our relationship, depression, it was all ignored. I just want him to just reassure me. Comfort me. Anything. He did things, but they were only band aids. And very rarely. I would ask him to do things for me and theyd hardly ever get done. Asking him to help clean the room was a nightmare. Asking him to take out the trash when I left for work would turn into me asking him again when he got home after 2am. He only worked from 8pm til 2am. What else were you doing all day that you couldnt do me this favor? Id ask and remind only for it to go undone until I finally caved in. When Im depressed, my space is my everything. I will feel one million times better if my safe space is nice and clean, it makes my mind feel safe and clean. And he couldnt even take out the trash.
It all got lost when he got into weed. He used to hate weed. We we first were together, he used to talk shit on stoners all the time. But now weed was everything. He couldnt do anything without getting high first. I planned this super cool thing with my mom and brother for Christmas and he wanted to get high before we left. Um, no. Sorry. He was so pissed for the rest of the night, it ruined everything. He did that silent ignore me thing that he was so good at. I dont like weed. Every once in awhile, sure. It helped my back pain so much I couldnt believe it. But no. I prefer alcohol and pain killers. Weed just isnt my thing. And he was so upset by that. We could do weed related activities together, oh no! How else can be bond as a couple! It killed me. Id sit around and watch him get high and ignore me. He never wanted to go out anywhere. Why go out and eat when we can get pizza and get high? Because do you know how much weight Id gain Mr. I have a fat ass girlfriend?
Towards the end I just gave up. I didnt know how to ask for the things I needed because I really didnt know what I needed from him at the time. He didnt want to put in the effort of fixing everything he had done. I was just supposed to move on.
I supported him when he had nothing, I bought him tattoos and paid for almost everything when he was unemployed. When he was working, I still had to pay for mostly everything.
I was in love with him until the end. And this was the beginning of the end.
A lot of people are confused as to what happened with me and Mike and Miranda. We'll, here you go. I meet Miranda at Rocky (duh.) I asked Mike if I could sleep with her, but without him being involved because she was super gay. He said it was fine. So I did. I fell for her hard and fast. Try as I might, I just couldnt help falling in love with her. Mike knew. I didnt even have to tell him, he just knew. I felt so selfish about it, I wanted him to be able to go out and find his own happiness. So we had this open ended relationship for about 8 months. I couldnt afford to move out on my own, so while I was with Miranda a lot, I still lived with Mike. And he was allowed to see whomever he wanted, regardless of how I felt about the person. I think it was the easiest way for both of us to end things while still remaining on pleasant terms. If he had just looked at me once, told me to stay. Told me that he was actually going to work hard at this and help me get over everything, I would of.
I finally moved out in December. We remained good friends. I was over a lot, to visit with him and Crowley. We had beer and video game night. He got me and Miranda Christmas gifts that were actually VERY thoughtful. It was the most effort I had seen from him in years. It was heart warming. I just wanted so badly for him to show me that he actually cared about me, even if it wasnt romantic. That I mattered. That the last 6 years wasnt for nothing.
The ending.
Its true, I dont like his current girlfriend. I was very honest about it, but what funny is he didnt like her either. I was friends with her about 3 years ago. We did some burlesque together, went to Ink N Iron together. Hung out a few times. She had this horrible reputation around our local scene and she wasnt very well liked. Apparently she was very much mentally unstable and a chronic liar and was a major drama starter. (What? This is news me to! Can you HEAR my eyes rolling yet??) Mike didnt like her and wanted me to stay away from her. Far away. Since I lived in North County and her in San Diego it was hard to keep up and eventually we just fell out of contact. Nothing negative was said between us, we just stopped talking. Her stories never added up, I could pick out lies from one story to the next. I never confronted her about it, but I have little tolerance for those kinds of people. Plus with all her facebooks posts about her drama hater fan clubs, I got over it.
One evening Mike comes home from work and says to me "Youll never guess who I just saw at the bar! Bree! And she looks strung out on meth, tore up." Oh. Okay. She starts coming around more often. She smokes him out for free a few times and suddenly Bree aint so bad! Shocking. He would come home and tell me how tore up her pussy is and how, she might be skinny, but nothing is pretty about her stomach. Why are you talking shit on someone who you are, I guess, dating? Am I seeing a pattern here? I asked him why he was still seeing her then and he didnt really have an answer, so whatever.
Me and Mike continued to stay friends and hang out and everything was peachy. Then suddenly in March I started to get these super shitty text messages. Calling me fat and ugly and a slue of other terrible things. Its coming from untraceable phone numbers and it gets so bad that it goes on for hours. And days. Id honestly be shocked when I didnt get these texts. Texts turned into phone calls, turned into voicemails, turned into anon hate on any form of social media I had. Fake posts with me photoshopped fatter came popping up on tumblr. After every post I made on instagram, boom. Hate message. It was relentless. I cant imagine anyone who'd have enough time to hate so much on me. And nothing was off limits. My depression was joke. What was being said wasnt anything that got to me, it was how often that it was happening. It got to be a bit much. I couldnt place who it was. The messages were so conflicting with one another and I really hadnt had any drama with anyone, I was so stumped.
That is until she slipped.
I had gotten more instagram hate but this last bout of it was particularly hateful, so I went through extra lengths to block and report. I searched the fake account just to see when it would be taken down. Well, one day I go and check to see if it was gone. Instagram saves your searches and all of a sudden this account had a new name and new photos of a different girl being harassed. But I knew this other girl. Bree told me, when we were still friends, that she had problems with this girl and she would go out of her way to cause drama with her. It all made sense! I had hate posted directly from my tumblr account once, like it was me logged in posting it. The only other computer I was logged in on was Mikes. Surprised? No. All the hate mail I get on tumblr comes from one IP address. (Unless shes stupid and uses a proxy, which just links back to the original IP anyway) I downloaded all my facebook data, which tracks all the IP addresses Ive ever logged in under, like. Ever. All the way back to when I was living in the Wild House. Guess what? Theyre from the same network! Are you shocked yet? Was there gasp?
Can I prove it was her? No. Are their too many coincidences that lead almost directly back to her? Yep. Ive talked to the other girls being harassed and the messages are the same. With the same spelling mistakes. One of the girls got hate directly from her account because she forgot to use one of her fake ones. Oops.
When I finally figured it out, I sent Mike a message about it before I posted about it. He has thus then blocked me and I havent spoken to him since. Its sucks. A lot. Ive heard what hes said about me, Ive heard some of the really poor choices hes made lately. Im sad. Im sad for him. How can anyone live in such a state of constant drama? I miss my friend. But he's not the person I used to know.
I miss Crowley more than anything. Ive woken up crying from dreams about her. It kills me. I know him, so I hope she's being well taken care of. But I highly doubt it.
People can post all they want online about how happy they are and how good they have it, but yet they always seem to have some sort of drama going on. People can see through it. Its just so sad to me.
And for the record, she didnt steal Mike. I let him go long before she was ever in the picture.
It just exhausting to keep up this stupid drama game with her. I dont care. Im laughing at the fact that she honestly thinks I dont know its her. Ive talked to her ex about this, because shes been doing this forever apparently.
I hope hes happy. I hope that in some weird, twisted, off the wall way that he wanted this. And hes happy. I cant help but still care about him. He was a huge chunk of my life and I know its going to take more than a few months to move pass. But this helped. I do feel better. I kept a lot of what happened between the two of us a secret for so so long. I dont want to keep doing that now at the end of it all.
Im really thankful that I have such a wonderful support system. Thank you all for keeping me grounded and sane. I just wanted to be heard through all this. I tried so hard to remain respectful and mature through our break up. Im just tired of it all.
